Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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