I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
