time to smoke my breakfast
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
