It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
