So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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