i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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