He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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