i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
