he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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