I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
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