at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
