when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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