I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
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