At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
