Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
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