So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
