i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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