You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
