I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
being pregnant is like rehab
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
