I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
