I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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