im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
