i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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