the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
