what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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