dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
