My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
