everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
