I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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