you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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