Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
