I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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