I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
