The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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