If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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