you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
