shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
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