I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
