apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
