he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
