So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Never underestimate the power of titties
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