why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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