My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize