Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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