Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
