It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Success! We fucked roommates!
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