god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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