The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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