found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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