Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
