when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
