What a fucking waste of an outfit
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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