So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
