I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
