No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize