I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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