i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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