I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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