Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
