How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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