i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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